A young man approaches the podium and the light bulbs begin to flash with unstoppable ferocity.
The man at the podium has just been named baseball's next Commissioner.
He's only 25.
Ladies and gentleman of the press, thank you for coming out today. Over the next ten minutes, I will outline my goals and ideas that will change the course of baseball. Some of you will not like what I have to say, some of you will be confused at first. I'm not deterred by the prospect of being disliked by you or your colleagues, because I know deep down, I have the answers and the common sense that will change the game for the better.
As my first act as commissioner of Major League Baseball, I am removing the lifetime ban placed on Shoeless Joe Jackson and Pete Rose. Both will be eligible for their names to be placed on this year's Hall of Fame ballot. However, Mr. Jackson estate and Mr. Rose will not be allowed to profit off of their entry into the Hall, if they are so elected. Appearance fees and sales generated off Jackson/Rose Hall of Fame Materials will be donated to a charity of choice.
Second, as of tomorrow, I am removing any outstanding copyright claims held by MLB
Advanced Media. It is time that our game embraces the world of viral video and Web 2.0. In efforts to reach younger audiences and audiences around the globe, we will allow for our videos to be distributed throughout the internet as long as the user does not stand to profit from the materials.My next act, which is currently in progress, is to draft a letter to Congress, asking them to cease their decade long efforts to look into the steroid scandal that has plagued our game since the early 90's. In exchange for the diffusion of said committees, I am willing to break the American League and National League into two separate companies. This will remove the threat of Congress constantly waiving the anti-trust edict in baseball's face, and allow for the game to continue to grow.
This act will allow for the removal of inter-league play, which will then allow for the shortening of the season. 162 games is excessive, and was put in place to make the owner's richer. This move will be placed to safe guard the players, and extend their careers. As a recent study conducted by my office has concluded, by removing nineteen games from the schedule, season long injury rates will decrease by 40%.
While some may see the shortening of the season as a direct jab at the owners, we have decided to eliminate the luxury tax to compensate the owners for their potential loss in revenue. This will force teams to develop their farm systems, and force owners to put money back into their teams.
We are also developing ways to measure "Owner Reliability", or ways to track whether the owner is more interested in turning a profit, as opposed to turning out a winning team. This formula will flag owners and send "probation warnings" to owners who violate the "Owner Reliability Clause". Continued practices that violate this clause will conclude with the suspension of the owner, and a pre-selected group from the Commissioner's Office will run the team until the owner can either "repent" or be replaced.
Finally, in an effort to keep the game completely void of performance enhancing drugs, we will use the latest advances in blood testing to detect HGH, steroids, or any other banned PEDs. Players will have clauses inserted into their contracts stating that "the violation or failed drug test will result in a one year suspension from the game and a second failed test will result in a lifetime ban from the sport".
Thank you for your time. I regret to inform you that I will not be taking any questions, because as you may have noticed, I've got a lot of work to do.
